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Hello there! Please help, I feel like a rock is lying upon me, tied with barbwire on me, so I can´t hardly breathe.  Things went quite wrong again.  Oh I forgot to tell you who am I. I am the most important organ in the human body, I am a heart. Let me tell you something about my owner before it is too late.


She is a 24-year old girl, living with her boyfriend in a nice flat in  the city she always wanted to . They know each other since more than 5 years and last year he asked her to be his wife and she said yes.  H e really loves her  and she loved him  Most important thing in her life are here animals. together with her fiance she has two cats, but she likes really every animals. She had a great job and worked with mentally ill people, workmate and clients  adored her  And she is sooooo much in fashion, she likes to go shopping and spends a lot of money in fashionstores. She is really such a nice girl with good attention, she gives everyone a smile, very authentic and she was always true to her gospels: faithful ,  saying the truth  and being real . She was down to her parents, took care of her grandmother, just a good one.  But that´s just one side of her. The otherone is much darker, and only she and I know that . She often cries  and thinks everything is just senseless. She finds herself ugly , has no selfesteem. Her smiling and her jokes are sometimes nothing more than a cladding to hide her true feelings. So many fears  and doubts are running through her mind, fear to loose, not to reach the aims her  live  g ives  her. Fear to fail.  Doubts if she will be loved and so much fear to be left behind. There was a woman in her office that treated her really bad, she had so much fear of her  that she really dithered when she only red her name on the phonedisplay. She suffered so much  over 7 years  that she finally quitted in march. She thought she would feel free after leaving, but it was just the opposite.  She missed her workmates and some of the clients like hell and soon she regreted her leaving. Fears of her future, not to get a job anymore, a financial breakdown , all that was just running in her mind. Her fiance couldn´t  or wouldn´t  understand her decision to leave the company  and wasn´t really holding her hand in that time . But she found a new job as assistent in a newspaper editorial office. She was so happy and thought this could  get her year. She wanted to take destiny into her hands, making career and step out of the dark. With the money from her assurance she  took a piece of independence and bought her first own selfbought car!  It had to be vw, cause she always wanted to have one, this should be the first step in her new life, but after the event: it was the beginning of the end.  


It  should be her first day in her new job and also the day she should get her new car. She came in that carhouse and  was just blown away. She saw him, he looked at her and she looked at him – same old story: girl meets boy and she falls much harder then him! She  looked  in his eyes and saw his smile and there came such a hot breeze to me, blood was flowing around me, I had to beat faster to avoid her collaps ing  … she  fell in love  !  He explained  the  car to her and programmed her radio, but she wasn´t able to listen, she wasn´t able to stand his look,  her cheeks got red, she was shiffering and smiled, everything just circled. She crashed almost  the car on the way to work.  She knew who he was, cause every girl in that county knows him. People say he would just be a girleater, fucking every girl he could get. And everyone knew his name, but most of them all called him "the beautiful foreman". She knew he had a girlfriend and where he lived, he has built a big house in his home-village. And everyone warned her „Don´t touch this! He´s a player and the player knows how to play! You can´t get out as winner of this!“ But she was already in too deep  to stop, couldn´t think of anything else than this guy.  She had two very good friends and told them about it. Both were warning here, but she didn´t listen. For the first time, she just wanted to do something on her own. She felt ashamed for her thoughts, but she couldn´t help herself! It was exactly three months after she saw him for the first day when she red in an internet-chat that he is going to marry. She broke down, couldn´t sleep and cried, oh how much she cried.  She was quite confused about her feelings and scared of her reaction to that things, but she wasn´t able to stop. She didn´t even know him really and actually: she is going to marry too. She couldn´t understand why she felt that way, but she couldn´t help herself.  There was just one thing on her mind: find out if he would be really marrying. She throw her first gospel over bord: She lied to one of her best friends that she has already had the number but was so sad because of the marriage and deleted the number. And the friend had a friend and so she  really  got his mobile-phone-number. She sent him a sms and he answered. I can´t put it in words what happened to her on that day. She was smiling and laughing, deep from me, from her heart. She has never been so happy like this for years!  He was really nice to her, wrote a lot of sms and very soon they phoned almost every day. It was the time of her life, I have never ever seen her as goodlooking, sexy, happy and wonderful like on these days. Her mobilephone became her constant escort .  But all this had his price: She was so ashamed and in fear he wouldn´t talk to her because she was so ugly that she created a figur called alex. She told him she would be 25, living alone in a big beautiful  flat in passau, would be working in passau for the mayor of passau – and he believed her. He told her about his house ,  his job , that he is sometimes lonely, working a lot  and the more he wrote the more she fell in love. Her thoughts are just circling around him, what is he doing, is he alone,  where is he ? Her whole life is just about him!  And she always lied more and more to hold her figure up. He tried several times to meet her but she always had an excuse not to come there. He didn´t write anymore, was often quite mean to her and she was almost going crazy. She called him day and night, just to see if he is still awake or where he is. He freaked out and she lied again: said she hasn´t been that and told more and more storys than ever. Again he believed her and the contact get better. But slowly she noticed that he was just playing with her , but  it was already too late. She feels so much shame inside her because of her fiance, cause  she changed so much. sometimes she isn´t  even able to look in his eyes, cause all she sees are just this beautiful green eyes of this guy from the carhouse.  She lays in her bed and wishes he would be there, she dreams of kissing and if he only would: she would sleep with him and she already told him that. She really tried to increase, drives another way to work so she hasn´t to see him everyday, she really works a lot so she hadn´t time to phone him, she reads a lot, yeah she tries everything, but it doesn´t help. Guys believe me, I tried so often to throw him out of me, but she locked him in me and she threw away the key to his chamber. She says she can´t live without him. To weeks ago she adepted he would leave his company, he says he needs a change. And he also says he gets a new mobilenumber and he will think quite good whom he is going to give his number. It was like a knot into me  and she broke down this night, she locked herself into the bathroom and sat in the empty bathingtube and cried. Since that call she is afraid he won´t give her his number and even more she is afraid when he leaves the companie and she won´t ever see him again.  She went to the drugstore to buy sleeping pills, so she can sleep without waking up 10 times at night and only think of him and the "past". One week ago the whole story escalated. Her carguy called one of her „friends“, was quite angry that he is telling so many rubbish about him , with all the girls and that stuff . This „friend“ said of course he didn´t know ALEX. And of course he is very distrusting  since that. She tried to get everything back in the right lanes, but it didn´t work. She knows she is going to  loose  him.  The day before yesterday she tried to call him a million times  at work , but he didn´t pick up the phone.  Yesterday he talked to her, very short, very short tied, said he would have no time at the moment and she should call later. She didn´t, cause she knew he would just laugh about her. She knows she has to leave him behind, but she isn´t ready to let him go.  No, she isn´t ready to go on. Everything reminds her of him. She drives her car without radio or CD on, cause every song has a connection to him. There´s a buscompany with the same name as he has – she sees everyday millions of buses from that company. Everyone is driving such a car like he does. And all the memories on this sms and the phonecalls with all this lovely and cute things he said are like a tatttoo – forever  branded in her head and in me. Her dark side has become upper hand. She is crying everyday, isn´t able to sleep, has to take sleeping pills in very high dose. She can´t eat, she has lost weight, she isn´t herself anymore.


And now you are wondering why I am telling this. Well, we are sitting on her blue couch in her yellow painted living room, on the table in front of us are standing 7 bottles with soporifics. And she is writing a suicide note. I experienced that so often, but this time I feel she means every word she writes for real.  It´s a note for him, even though she knews he won´t really take care for it. Two of these bottles she has already emptied and  it  is getting harder and harder for me to beat. I feel like I am getting cold  and the blood in me is only creeping, slowly. She is calm, cause she knows it is getting to an end. She can´t cry anymore, she is dry, her body has no tears anymore. She cried so much this last half year, she can´t go on anymore.  She is scared from this other side and actually she has really a lot of fear of death. She feels like shot down, and the bullet is still in her body, in me. And it is piercing through her soul. She misses him so much. I don´t know how this day ends, but if someone finds her dead in the evening, the people should know what really happened to her, the truth about these young girl fallling in love!


Kezia - 30.12.2006 22:58
Ui. Harte Geschichte... Hast aber ein klasse Englisch!
Lg, Kezia

Fallen [Tb: My Live starts to break!] - 30.12.2006 12:47
oh mein gott
das ist echt komplieziert!
mhm wenn ich wüsste warum er dich so behandelt könnt ich es vll auch erklären aber das kann icht tut mir leid!
mhm ich würde ja sagen vergess ihn aber ich weis das sowas niht geht

Fallen [Tb: My Live starts to break!] - 30.12.2006 11:51
das ist echt mies...
ich meine wieso neigen wir dazu uns in typen zu verlieben die sich nicht für uns interessieren...
naja ich habe ihm gestenr mal geschrieben aber kam keine antwort
für ihn war es dann doch wohl nur mal so nebenbei

hoffe bei dir endet es besser

Fallen [Tb: My Live starts to break!] - 29.12.2006 21:22
ja es gibt viele tolle menschen
nur leider habe ich immer das glück an de zu geraten die mich nicht so toll finden

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