Trail of mind

When I was young and the moon was full, my mother was used to walk around the lake with my brother and me at night.
When I got older, my mother started forgetting about the things we did together and everytime I asked to do it again, she told me, she was tired or she had no time.
After all I started feeling lonely. The school went one step further. It was horror and I really became lonely. Maybe I was just afraid but I was young.
I should do anything to make my mother forget about the past... I always was an awful daughter.
In the end it is her birthday tomorrow and I do not even have a present but this stupid birthday card I did by myself. She always throws such things away. Well... I understand. I am not a little child.
When I was younger and the moon was empty, I was used to walk around alone. One night I got so afraid, that I ran back home as quick as I was able to run.
At home I wanted to cry. Until now I am not able to leave the house at the wood and lake at night. In the city, it is a different thing. Sometimes I go to the river and cry. Sometimes I go to the river and sing. And sometimes I go to the river to talk to myself and think about going swimming at the cold cold nights.

A few nights ago, I was not able to sleep, because it was so dark. ... When I was young, I was never able to sleep while it was dark around me. My fears... I try to run away or go further but they always catch me up again.
Some things became dangerously natural to me.
I feel awful, when I am alone. I am not sure if I am able to manage what comes in future.
I decided to kill myself when I reacahed the 30th age of life about the age of 10. ... Maybe earlier. But not later.
I met two other persons who say that they are going to die in the age about 30 too. I never mentioned it in the way I always wanted to. I thought I had stolen their... "Idea".
There must be something at this age.

I feel like my body is broken. Everything hurts and the Operations will not stop so far. I still need some. But I do not want to. But I do not want to suffer in pain either.
It could be a desicion of some kind of god, that all this is happening to me.
I do regret what I did and I do regret, what I am doing and I do regret what I will do in future.

... It is so cold... I am freezing since days. Even when it was so hot. I am freezing since days...

I am thinking most of the time I spend in bed and cannot sleep. It makes me feel like I am someone else. Sometimes I am just lieing still and imagining that cruel and funny and crazy things are happening. Sometimes I feel like shadows around me are dancing and there are faces close to me.
Every now and then I have a dream about having friends.
... I have some but somehow I am trying to avoid them. Maybe it is a reaction.

I am craving for fantasy and for things that do not exist. Like an earring made of echoe stone. So I can hear the voice from the beloved person who the other one was given to.
... Maybe...
Well~ Maybe I should...

I am just inspired by a stupid game. But since I can remember, I loved snakes. Maybe these wonderful blue snakes are what my skin needs.
I want to have something that always reminds me to what I am.
What could be better than a forgotten, broken dream, stung deep into the skin?
And then, I will die with all the sins, the blue snake will experience.

Abendwind - am 26.07.2010 14:41